The Difference Between Being Understanding and Being Used

Kemi was proud of being the easy one.

Not easy like that, calm down.

Easy like low maintenance.

Easy like, I don't need flowers, I don't need fancy dates, just be honest with me and we're good.

She said it on their second date and she meant it with her whole chest.

So when Dele said work was crazy and he couldn't do dinner that Friday, she said no worries.

When he said he'd call after his shift and didn't, she said, he's tired, he works hard.

When his car note was late in March and he was stressed about it, she sent him four hundred dollars before he even finished the sentence.

He said, babe, you didn't have to do that.

And she felt good.

She felt like a real partner.

Here's the thing nobody tells you.

One car note is not the story.

The story is what that car note turned into.

When grace becomes the plan By June, Kemi had covered his phone bill twice and his half of a weekend trip that he planned.

He planned it.

She paid for it.

Make it make sense.

He kept saying he'd catch her back once things settled.

Things never settled.

Things just kept being things.

Dinner plans moved so often she stopped cooking until he was actually in the parking lot.

More than once she ate rice and stew cold at 10:40 at night because he said seven, then eight, then don't wait up.

She'd wrap his plate in foil anyway.

Every time.

And when she tried to bring it up? Oh, he had a speech.

You know my mom raised me alone.

You know I've been through a lot.

I thought you of all people would understand.

And there it was.

The word that shut her mouth every single time.

Understand.

Because Kemi did understand.

That was her whole identity.

She was the woman who could see the hurt little boy behind the grown man's excuses.

She prayed for his healing.

She read articles about men and stress.

What she didn't do was ask the question that was right in front of her face.

Why am I the only one sacrificing in this relationship? And why is his comfort costing me so much of my peace? What she was really protecting Now let's be honest, because I always have to be honest with myself in these stories too.

Kemi was not just being kind.

Kemi was scared.

If she stopped being understanding, she would have to find out what was underneath.

And what was underneath was a very uncomfortable possibility: maybe he wasn't overwhelmed.

Maybe he just wasn't that invested.

Maybe her patience wasn't helping him grow.

Maybe it was just making it very comfortable for him to stay exactly the same.

So she called it grace.

She called it maturity.

She even called it being a godly woman.

Girl.

God did not ask you to be a doormat with a prayer journal.

He really didn't.

Understanding sees the struggle and still expects effort.

Being used sees the struggle and becomes the reason he never has to make any.

What Scripture actually says about carrying burdens People love to quote this one at women who are tired.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Yes.

Amen.

We are called to help each other in real trouble.

When somebody loses a parent, gets sick, loses a job, you show up.

That's love.

Kemi would have done that for Dele all day long, and honestly that's beautiful.

But keep reading.

Three verses later, Paul says this: For each will have to bear his own load.

A burden is the heavy thing nobody can carry alone.

A load is the daily stuff every grown person is responsible for.

His phone bill is a load.

Calling when he says he'll call is a load.

Showing up at seven when he said seven is a load.

Kemi was carrying his load and calling it his burden, and that confusion was costing her money, sleep, and a whole lot of peace.

And then there's this one, which hit me different the first time I really sat with it: Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self control.

A city with no walls isn't more loving.

It's just open.

Anybody can walk in, take what they want, and leave.

Kemi thought having no walls made her generous.

It actually made her available to be emptied.

How to tell the difference in real life I'm not going to give you a cute checklist, because real life is messier than that.

But here are a few honest questions Kemi finally had to ask herself, and maybe you need them too.

Does he change anything after you speak? Not apologize.

Change.

Kemi got plenty of apologies.

Sorry babe, you're right, I'll do better.

And then the next Friday looked just like the last one.

When understanding is working, your honesty leads somewhere.

When you're being used, your honesty just gets managed.

Is the understanding going both ways? When Kemi had a brutal week at work and asked him to just pick up food on the way over, he forgot.

Forgot.

The same man she'd covered for three months couldn't remember one bag of takeout.

If your grace is endless and his is out of stock, that's not a partnership.

Are you allowed to have needs without a lecture? Every time she brought something up, it became about his past, his stress, his mom, his trauma.

Those things are real.

But they became a door he closed in her face.

A man can have a hard story and still be responsible for how he treats you today.

Do you feel peace or dread? Kemi started getting a tight feeling in her stomach every time her phone lit up with his name.

Not excitement.

Dread.

Will he cancel? Does he need money? Is he upset that I asked? Your body knows a lot before your mouth is ready to say it.

If some of this is sounding familiar, you might want to read about why overgiving is not the same as loving well .

It's the same root, just a different branch.

What changed for Kemi It was not one big dramatic moment.

I wish I could tell you she threw his foil plate in the trash and walked out like a movie.

No.

It was smaller and honestly more painful than that.

He asked for money again.

Rent this time, and only part of it, he said, like that made it better.

And Kemi sat in her car outside the pharmacy with the app open and her thumb on the button, and she started crying.

Not because she didn't have it.

She did.

She was crying because she realized she was about to pay for a relationship that kept sending her the bill.

She prayed right there in the parking lot.

Not pretty.

Something like, Lord, why am I like this? What am I so afraid of? And what came back to her heart was simple.

She was afraid that if she stopped being useful, she would stop being chosen.

That's it.

That was the whole thing.

She closed the app.

She texted him: I can't help with rent this time.

I care about you, and I also need to see you take care of your own responsibilities.

That was it.

No essay.

No three paragraphs explaining her feelings.

If you need help with that kind of language, I wrote about how to set boundaries with a man without losing him , and it's worth a read.

He didn't take it well.

Of course he didn't.

Suddenly she was selfish, she had changed, she wasn't who he thought she was.

And Kemi, for maybe the first time, didn't rush to fix his opinion of her.

She let him be upset.

She let the silence sit there.

Whew.

That part was hard.

Over the next few weeks, the truth showed up on its own.

When the money stopped, so did most of his attention.

That told her everything she had been too understanding to see.

Start here today You don't have to become cold to stop being used.

Kemi didn't.

She is still kind, still patient, still the woman who sees the hurt behind people's behavior.

She just doesn't let seeing it become paying for it anymore.

Look at where your grace is actually going.

Is it giving him room to grow, or just giving him room to stay comfortable? Is there anything you keep doing today that you would drop tomorrow if you were not terrified of losing him? Take that to God.

Not the polished version.

The parking lot version.

He can handle it.

And if you're the woman who always gets called understanding, sis, I wrote a whole book for you.

The Cost of Being the "Understanding" Woman goes deeper into why we do this and how to stop without losing our softness.